There are times when it’s appropriate to look at your computer screen and yell, “I won!” A good game of solitaire, your victory in a week-long Scrabulous tournament, an email from a dude in Nigeria who decided you are set to inherit his millions: all total wins. But a low-res image of a pair of vintage boots a half a size too small that you just shelled out $300 for on eBay? Umm... Not so much. That $20 gift card to Bath & Body Works you received from the office raffle? You won. That Employee of the Month plaque given to you by your high-school era fast food job and its accompanying order of free fries? You totally won. Those tickets to the bridal expo your sister managed to aquire (regardless of her proximity to marriage) from her entry in some raffle at the mall? She won, and technically you lost since you had to go with her. UPS dudes delivering eBay packages are greeted like Ed McMahon showing up with a giant cardboard million dollar check and an alarming amount of balloons. Yet, the poor waiter bestowing free breadsticks upon the table at Olive Garden receives little celebration at all. I certainly can’t think of the last time the check-out girl at the grocery store rang me up,and began shouting out my total and embraced me in excitement. I am trying, with little success, to recall a time when the person behind me in the ATM line shook my hand and congratulated me on my withdrawal. Why? Because this doesn’t happen. Because no one wins on eBay. They only lose. Losers! (The opinions of Sarah in no way reflect the opinions of Missbehave-Ed).—Sarah Morrison
Published in Missbehave Magazine, March 2009
