Every important thing you need to know, you can learn from TV. There was an episode of Punky Brewster where Margeaux schooled P, Cherie, and that other lil’ dude they rolled with on the art of boob-growing. If you slept on your back, you would have “hugies.” On your stomach, “flatties.” On your side, well one of each, obvi. She instructed her preteen friends to consume ridiculous amounts of cheese puffs and... carrots? Oh, and you had to wear a bra to make the magic begin. Boobless me was inspired, even hopeful. I got my mom to buy me a training bra. Since I didn’t like cheese puffs, I opted for the carrots. Tons of carrots. Night after night, I would lie awake, on my back, in an empty bra, binge eating those carrots under the covers. I fell asleep dreaming of the morning when I would wake up with giant knockers. Everyone at school would gasp in amazement. Well, it never happened. I don’t have much of a rack at all. However, everyone knows about Soleil Moon Frye and her get-out-of-gym-with-a-note sized tits. Girl must have liked her Cheetos.—Sarah Morrison
Published in Missbehave Magazine, January 2009
