You are unable to remember what color your eyes are. Your friends would only be able to ID your body from the nose down. Your forehead is covered in zits Proactiv can’t even put a dent in. You find yourself wearing glasses, hoping to improve your blocked vision. Um, yup, it’s your bangs. Bangs are stupid. Bangs look stupid. And they look stupid on everyone. But, they especially look stupid on you. And on me. Bangs were invented some time after the dinosaur, somewhere before the plastic visor. They hid signs of aging, bad forehead tattoos, birth defects, Tyra-sized head toppers (fiveheads), and ugly people. Yet, today fringes cause more problems than they’re worth. They lead to drunkies peeing in sinks and drinking out of toilets. Stoners light them on fire. Mmm… burning hair.
Police and fire officials warn of their dangers. But like the deep-fried turkey, their popularity continues. And you continue to cut them. Convinced they frame your face, balance your head, hide your weird ears, or “look good.” You cut on. They laugh at you, you know. Your evil bangs. They cackle as they keep you from that promotion at work, walking in a straight line, or Internet shopping. They pierce you violently in the eye while driving, forcing you to hit a parked car and run over your pet turtle. They injure that hot dude from Starbucks when you suck face. Stab, stab, stab—your bangs hate you. They even grow when you’re dead. Because they can. Maybe you thought you were ruining your life. You are not. Your bangs are. Grow them out. Wait, no, definitely shave them off.—Sarah Morrison
Published in Missbehave Magazine, October 2008
