Dear Perez, wanna know how many parties I’ve been to where I’ve overhead people gushing about how hysterical, insightful, and talented you are? Um… none. But that’s my fault. I don’t hang out with any 15-year-old gays living in their parents’ Omaha basement or state college binge-drinking sorority types.
But like the chupacabra, I know they exist. Apparently, more of both than I’d ever suspected, since you’re really popular. Which is really confusing ’cause you’re a husky, all-over-print guy, with a remedial mastery of MS Paint and no spell check to speak of. I mean, no offense, but you’re basically illiterate. Sorta like Sammy Davis Junior in that one episode of “The Cosby Show.” Which I guess is good for anyone who actually “reads” your site, since they don’t have to Babel Fish translate your stuff into real people English. Your site’s the Internet go-to for all that is Hollywood. But your five-finger discounted photos and celeb sightings have grown to include not just actual famous people, but unsubstantiated sorta stories of English randoms. Really? Peaches Geldof?
How many poor midgets have you hidden in bushes on Robertson Blvd., the dairy aisle of Gelson’s, and Coffee Bean bathrooms? It’s cruel, especially since you just lounge in your car-shaped twin bed, flicking your seven Sidekicks, scrawling on outdated photos of celebs for future use, licking posters of boy band members you’ve outed, while giggling maniacally in between mouthfuls of Snowballs. Some people think you actually work hard. You’ve been given a deal, and were hired as an A&R at Warner, but we all know you’re just going to peruse Pitchfork and pluck some “edgy” music for your TRL set. Your old blog and new job excite us as much as Avril Lavigne’s line for Kohl’s. Besides, you probably want to watch your fat back. They fired Jim Jones as their A&R not too long after you got there. Capo might push your wigs back. Oh, and you look like Barf from that movie Spaceballs. The end. Bye. —Sarah Morrison
Published in Missbehave Magazine, July 2008
