Oh Jimmy. You almost had me convinced you were cute when you started out. But mostly because I just pretended you were a thin Adam Sandler. You sang the same songs and wore the same hoody. It was comforting. Even when you laughed at your own jokes, I giggled with you. It felt like I was right there. You were so “breaking the fourth wall.” The whole thing was so brave. You looked up from your shoe gazing. I blushed. Then, when you looked down again, I saw you were starting to bald, and that your hair was brittle. I realized you were in your mid 30s, I in my late 20s, neither of us in high school at our lockers, and snapped out of it. You propelled your fauxdorable 16-year-old demeanor into Drew Barrymore movies Sandler’s agent scoffed at. Soon Queen Latifah came calling. You began to refer to Weekend Update as your internship. You took a serious roll as the creepy sorta gay friend in Factory Girl. You met an Olsen and that slutty Sienna girl that steals people’s husbands and boyfriends and would go to the opening of a cat food can.
Then you married Drew Barrymore’s production partner and we understood why you were still working. We watched “SNL” reruns, remembered you existed, and Googled you one time. All the while, you spent your cracky nights planning your late night TV sabotage. You prank called Jeff Zucker and other NBC execs in your best Jay Leno spewing racist jokes. You mwuahahaha’d. You sent Edible Arrangements to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler until “30 Rock” started to get fruit flies. Then Conan. He rolled his eyes. Gave you his job. Now you get to be Conan. Conan gets to be Jay Leno. Jay Leno gets to be forgotten by me a.k.a he gets to be you. Ugh. But whatever, Tina Fey will just take everyone’s jobs halfway through the season. Maybe then, you and Jay Leno can get an apartment in North Hollywood together. You guys can make Youtube videos.—Sarah Morrison
Published in Missbehave Magazine, October 2008
